Don’t Panic

Hello again, it’s been a few weeks or so hasn’t it?

I recovered from Aunt Flo fantastically last month, and neither J, the household or I have contracted any kind of cold, flu or anything to be worried about… so far.

I have however become increasingly paranoid about it. Any cough I make is definitely Covid-19, and worse still, I will die from it due to the fact that I had multiple organ failure in August last year making me vulnerable (?).

But I won’t bore you with all that, because let’s face it, we’re inundated with it every day aren’t we? Each blog post I read from my trusty gang has been Covid related, if not Covid crazy due to the postponing of IVF, IVI and other fertility procedures.

Yes, I follow a lot of those blogs, sorry not sorry.

Instead I hoped to write something about another subject, but I just don’t know what. Since my pregnant wish last month that was a complete stupid moment, I’m not sure what to write. What can I update that the world would be interested in?

Being stuck indoors you would think I could come up with some subjects to ease my mind and write about – sadly not the case.

It’s a well known fact to friends and family of mine that I have many hobbies I’d like to pursue, some of which are now swiped away from me due to that old thing… you know, the cardiac arrest stuff.

I like painting by numbers (I have some), french knitting (I need more yarn), watching Marvel (J and I are doing so, following the timeline list), playing games such as Sims, Skyrim, Fallout and World of Warcraft, walking (my Bisoprolol gets me out of breath so quickly), shopping (needs money), travelling (thanks, Covid), writing (where’s my inspiration?) and cooking (not just my house so can’t take it over).

Right now I’ve chosen to let J fiddle around with the Kawasaki and I play sims in our room. Not very energetic or cool and I’m not achieving anything but I’m not sure what else I want to do.

Is it just me who feels guilty when I do something fun but a) non-exercising, b) not achieving anything and c) without including anyone else?

Anyway, I should probably write the cardiac arrest story for the blog, so everyone knows what I’m on about, but it’s a little long winded and I’m not sure what I should be putting online or shouldn’t.

I am honestly divided when it comes to revealing identities. In a way, it might make it fun to share with friends and family my inner most thoughts, but even J doesn’t know I write about him at the moment. It kind of seems like a breach of his privacy, but I’m not naming names and really, would anyone I know ever find this blog?

I’m guessing my story might stir a few people, should they find it, to realise who I am and who J is and therefore reveal my stupid blogging inner thoughts.

Anyway, I’m rambling, this post had no point to it and my Sims are waiting.

My Nightmare

The last two days have been an absolute nightmare.

I can’t tell if it’s mainly my anxiety coming back like a waterfall of chaos or the fact that my boss and sub-boss think I’m mentally handicapped and unable to do my job.

Okay, I’ll rewind.

I work alone in a small shop in a little tourist town. My boss is the owner of the shop and my landlady is another worker. She’s pretty much the manager or sub-boss, as she’s been there the longest and knows everything and anything of what to do in the place. There’s also one other coworker like me.

When I had my cardiac arrest last August, I was off for a few months recovering from both the arrest and from the subsequent implanted ICD surgery (a bit like a pacemaker).

This one other coworker came in temporarily to take over my role and work while I was off. I was supposed to come back slowly, get my feet on the ground again, and she would find other work and move on when I did.

Perfect, or so I thought.

Turns out that ever since I came back my landlady/sub-boss has been noticing things I keep forgetting, and not telling me. She’s told my boss, though, and as of yesterday I was informed of my ‘issues’.

I’m not angry, not really. They seem to think it’s because I’m still in recovery and perhaps my memory has been affected by this arrest. Fair enough, except I honestly have no idea how I could have forgotten to do the things they say I have.

I almost don’t believe them!

Sadly, I know I was like this before my arrest sometimes. I can forget things or make lazy mistakes because that’s just me. I guess I have this ‘illness’ as an excuse now though..

To make it worse, my boss is now not very happy with me working by myself, citing that he believes I may collapse again when I’m on my own, and therefore not be found etc before something awful happens. A valid fear, I suppose.

All this is combined with my own fear of brain damage from the cardiac arrest (I apparently had some but when I awoke, lo-and-behold I seemed fine so no questions asked – not sure what this says about our NHS), so I’m a bit of a mess right now.

I also live with this sub-boss/landlady, and my boyfriend who is sharing half the rent of the room with me, so awkward is an understatement.

Additionally, this temporary coworker, whom I hold nothing against personally, is still with us. I am still working only two days, and nothing has been mentioned about her finding another job for months.

I know I could still technically be called in recovery by many people, but, what’s the deal?

I am feeling very self-conscious in my own ‘home’, feeling disappointed in myself, angry I can’t do better for my boyfriend J and find another job because I’m still undiagnosed, crying a lot because I’m an emotional mess, and feeling very, very useless.

I want to work and save money with J to get a home of our own. I don’t want to be seen as lazy, slacking, taking more time and using my illness or whatever as an excuse. (Although I’d love to be a stay-at-home Mum when that time comes until they’re in school, but that’s a different story).

I also don’t want to be a liability at work – I know my boss can’t fire me on health grounds (at least not until it’s a hazard or I REALLY fuck up), and I hate the idea of everyone knowing they’re just waiting for me to leave. That would feel so shitty.

What do I do?

Do I find another job, bearing in mind it could take a while, they’ve been good to me and my new employer would have to know about my arrest and no diagnosis, meaning the likelihood of getting the job is low?

Do I quit and hide? Because I really want to at this point, but I couldn’t continue living with my boyfriend and I’d be effectively becoming a lazy scrounger. Exactly what I want to avoid.

For now, I’ve written myself a checklist to remember everything I need to do at work. I’m trying to do the absolute best I can to show I’m trying so hard. If I fail now, then I know something major is wrong.

Equally, the house is going to be tense, I’m not going to be comfortable for some time, and work will be tense too knowing the busy season is coming and my boss doesn’t like me working alone. WHICH IS OUR WHOLE JOB.

Ugh. Life. Help.